Why Am I Ever Disappointed?

Life is a wonderful journey – a journey of the heart. I hear a word here, another word there, a phrase, a statement, or a scripture verse that prods some thinking. I let it go down inside me. Rather I chew on it and swallow it. I form conclusions from it about God, about myself and what needs to change. I learn. I grow. I change.

Last fall, I attended a live Beth Moore conference with my daughter here in Memphis. I’d been thinking about my life, my parents, and all that God was teaching me at this stage of my life, as I had just turned 60. My oldest daughter, Krista said something after that conference that made me stop, pause and think. It was a variation of something Beth Moore’s husband had related to her, but my daughter condensed the thought.

Krista said,“Jesus is the only one who can be my Jesus!”* Four months later, I am still pondering this.

Last June, my mom had a stroke. My sister, Betty, and I planned the funeral in the weeks following and I began to write a tribute to share at her funeral. It seemed the more I wrote the more unorganized it became. My mom passed away seven months later on Friday, January 15 (three weeks ago). When we got the car all packed and were on the way, I took out my laptop and started to write – no notes – no copy/paste – just write fresh. Now, it all seemed to flow nicely. I read and reread, edited and edited again. It was 20 minutes of reading! I had to cut, cut, and cut some more. Finally, it was done. Of course, I had lots to say, and I was also speaking to me, nailing down what God had taught me. I wanted to share a tribute, but I wanted to share God too. I’ll attach it at the end of this post.

Please keep in mind that I did not try to write about my mom's whole life, just her life with me. I have pondered my responses, attitudes, beliefs, disappointments, and even memories over these past months, since May of last year, and come to some new conclusions about myself.

Why do I mention May of 2009? That’s when I attended Faithwalk International. You are welcome to check it out at www.faithwalkinternational.net. God used that experience to unlock something in me. It prepared me for the months to come. I don’t fully understand it all, but I know this. I know that God did a new work and is making some changes in me.

Things I’ve learned about me: I had great parents. That I expected more out of them than they were able to give. That I have great family and friends. That I expected more out of them than they were able to give. I learned that at the root of it all I am selfish, ungrateful, and need my Savior every single day to point this out to me! Bottom line: I’ve learned that I have expected others to be my Jesus, when that simply won’t do. ” Jesus is the only one who can be my Jesus!”

Growing in Christ is simply learning the new ways that one needs to depend more on Him and less on others or anything that we try to fill our life with. I am grateful that God speaks into my life in a multitude of ways, through a word, a whisper, His Word, my sweet husband Loren, Beth Moore, and my own daughter, Krista. Truth is truth and when it is spoken, there’s no telling what God will do with it. Thank you Krista! None of us ever realize how we impact those around us.

I hope as you read what I wrote about my mother, you will hear and understand my heart. I can only hope to hand down to my children a small part of the legacy my parents gave me. I am grateful for the wonderful parents God gave me. He knew who they needed to be and knew what I needed. He does all things well.

Tribute to My Mother:

Her name was Anna Rena!

Her family called her Reenie.

Her friends called her Ann.

My kids called her Granny TH!

The nurses and aids at the nursing home called her
Anna Banana.

I . . . . . called her MOM.

She did not have a career.

She did not drive a car.

She was a wife.

She was a mother.

She cooked our food.

She took care of her family.

She cleaned the house. She loved to mop the floors. My Dad always said she loved to mop so much that she mopped the whole top layer of wood right off.

She washed our clothes. She loved to wash clothes so much that she’d ask for my bath towel while I was still using it.

She took care of what was necessary.

She took me to church.

She bought me school supplies and made sure that I went to school.

She bought me rag dolls and stretchy band watches at the dime store. And she bought them again, after I flushed them down the commode.

All the things that a mother does, my mom was there to do them. Not often is a mother ever thanked for the simple things she does. Yet, she does these things day after day after day.

I was no different from most kids. I didn’t take the time to thank Mom for all she did for me. Only after becoming a mother did I realize just how hard she worked and that her tasks never ended.

When I married, I thought her work was done. I often resented her opinions and concerns. I know now that a mother’s work never ends. A mother will always be concerned for her children. She will always have an opinion. She will always struggle with these two basic dilemmas: concern and opinions and what do I do with them?

Oh . . . . . how I wish I had been more humble, had more wisdom, been more patient, and simply enjoyed my mother as I had when I was a kid.

We played games . . . . . We played cards . . . . . We watched television together. In the summer, she and dad took us swimming to Rawlings, Beech Ben Park, Dunbar Cave, Old Hickory Lake, and we went on picnics and to Minnesota to see family, and on Sundays we visited her family in Tennessee.

My mom did the right things a lot of the time, most of the time.
She was not the perfect mother. Neither am I.
We all fall short of the glory of God every day.

I called my Mom’s closest friend Saturday. They’ve been friends for 56 years. I told her how grateful I am for my mom and dad, and how God had given me the parents I needed. I reminded her that my mom was hard to live with at times, and that I was thankful that she had been a loyal faithful friend, and loved Mom unconditionally. Her response was, “Everybody has stuff to deal with. She was no different than anybody else. I loved Ann!”

Of course, it was Mom who was difficult. After all I was a most perfect child. Really . . . . . I realize that moms have the hardest job of all. They are on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months, every year, year after year. Moms never get a vacation. They get up and keep going and do it all again tomorrow.

One morning, when I was a kid, mom & I were eating breakfast. She kept fussing at me. Actually she was standing on one of my nerves I think. You know moms and daughters can really get ugly with each other. My patience was gone. I picked up my coffee cup and threw my remaining lukewarm coffee on my mom. Without a thought, without a blinking of the eye, Mom threw hers on me. We looked at each other, and for a few moments just sat there eyeball to eyeball. Suddenly we broke into the most ridiculous laughter.

Sometimes, when my mom got upset it was because my sister or I were going through a stressful time. Mom would be stressed for us. I understand that better now that my kids are grown and I too get stressed for them. I simply wanted to deal with my own stress, and my kids are the same. In fact, they don't need me to stress for them.

I have lived away from the Springfield area for over half of my life. Mom and Dad visited me often, several weekends a year, and later in life they came for longer visits, sometimes for several weeks at a time. I invited them to move to Little Rock. Initially they wanted to do that, but that is a hard thing for older couples to do. They changed their mind. But I have always regretted not being able to take care of my parents.

Life has a way of changing and marching on. I went to Russia as a missionary. My dad died. My mom’s demeanor changed the day after the burial. I know my dad’s death was devastating for her, and she became more difficult.

Her final years were spent at the National HealthCare Nursing home in Springfield. The staff there is incredible. I’ve never watched people more loving, kind, gentle, and basically people who love to take care of older people. They had something fun going on all the time for the residents there.

God has a way of turning your life right side up. He brought Loren into my life. From the moment my mom met Loren, there was a special bond between them. She liked him. He liked her.

She was sitting on her bed, when she looked up at Loren and said, “You’re a big man. Cherry needs a big man to take care of her. She’s twice as big as Betty!” We had a good laugh over that, but I have to admit that growing up being described as “the big one” was sometimes hard to deal with.

My mom had a sense of humor that I have appreciated more in recent years. She could be incredibly funny, but often, I wasn’t sure if she was actually trying to be funny or if it just ended up that way.

On one of my visits, Loren and I walked into Mom’s room and within seconds, she said, “Well . . . . . Are you going to wear your hair like that? I said, “Yes!” She said, “Well, okay!” “You need to get yourself some luster.” I said, “Okay!” . . . . .The next time I came to visit Mom, I told her, “I got some luster for my hair and I brought you some too!”

Christmas a year ago, Mom did not know me. I was not prepared for that. When I told her who I was, she began to tell me about her daughter Cherry, and how she hoped we could meet. She told me how much she enjoyed Cherry, and loved her. That was an amazing day of blessing for me!

Mom had a stroke in June, and we thought she was gone. She bounced back in two days. Sometimes they bounce back, but go downhill quickly. We decided to stay as long as possible, and that turned into 4 weeks.

I got to visit my mom every day, and she knew who I was. I got to fix her hair, give her manicures, pedicures, and rub her feet with lotion. I got to put a little blush on her cheeks and eat lunch in the dining room with her. I think often we spend our time dreading what we have to do rather than appreciating what we get to do. I GOT to take care of my mom. I guess you could say that I lived where she lived day in and day out for all those weeks. It was a tremendous opportunity and blessing.

When I gave mom a manicure, I had to rely on Loren for help. He would hold one of her hands while I worked on the other one, so the polish would not get messed up before it dried. We weren’t sure how alert Mom was. One day when he was holding her hand, she looked up at him and said, “This is called holding hands!”

It was clear that Mom enjoyed having Loren around. One day the nurse told him that he’d have to leave. Mom piped up and said, “No! We’re keeping him!”

When he was making some movie clips of Mom, and my children and their children, Mom asked me, “What's he doing?” I told her that Loren was making a movie.” Mom said, “I always wanted to be in a movie about my life! It’s pretty interesting. I know! I was there!” We got so tickled we were almost rolling in the floor.

INDEED MY MOM WAS THERE IN HER LIFE AND SHE WAS THERE IN MY LIFE!

She was always there!

When I woke up in the morning – she was there!

When I went to bed at night – she was there!

When I came home from school – she was there!

When I coughed in the night – she was there!

When I became a Christian – a Believer at the age of 25, she was the first person I called.

My mom was there in my life and in my heart. Life was never boring with my mom.

I knew that one day I would get the call from the nursing home about my mom’s passing. I thought I would be ready for that call and prepared. I was not ready and I am not prepared. I will miss my mom. I know she is in a better place – a place that has been prepared especially for her.

Mom, I love you!
Thank you for always being there!

Written by Cherry Friesen, and read at my mother’s (Anna Rena Felts Thompson) memorial service on January 20, 2010 at Anderson-Garrett Funeral Home, Joelton, TN. *Quote by Krista Tolleson Rinehart